is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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