i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize