hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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