im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
