just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
