I am midnight drunk by noon
Sober January is a disaster.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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