I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
