It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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