Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Brb crying the tears of my youth
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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