Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
