My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize