She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
