My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
