Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
