We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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