On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
