I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
