My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
