I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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