Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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