I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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