I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
