Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
