I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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