I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
