we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
