just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
