Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
