I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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