i think my tv is drunk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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