He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize