How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
