Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
