You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Come see our sink grown plant.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
