I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
