I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
