I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
