then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
