Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
