You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
