Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
