I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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