Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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