I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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