When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They took my balls.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
