She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize