I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize