Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Drake has all the answers
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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