Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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