Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
