she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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