the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
