I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
