dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
