i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
