I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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