Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize