i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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