two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
